Self Conclusion
by xDareToDream
Summary: Ashley Davies never felt love before that is until Spencer Carlin stepped into her life. The brunette's heart was more Spencer's than it was her own, but things weren't easy and in the end Spencer walked out of her life just as fast as she had entered.


South of Nowhere belongs to Tom Lynch and the song "Self conclusion" that this fictional story is based loosely on belongs to The Spill Canvas.

Ashley's heart still aches after years; she still can't accept that the one person she ever truly loved has left her. Ashley knows what she has to do and she never looks back as she boards the plane to Ohio.

I'm sure most of you heard that Tom Lynch was trying to get the show back on air, there are a few clips on youtube of it as well and not to long ago I found out that it was playing again where I live. It inspired me to write.

Chapter 1 – There is no going back

I grip the card tightly between my fingers, reading it over again as if to etch it into my mind 106 Richmond rd, this is it, this is her house. I let my gaze wander to the grey brick home, the cozy home that holds everything by simply containing her. Hesitant, my heavy steps lead me closer, dragging them towards her. I swallow hard and smooth out my blouse with shaky fingers, I briefly wonder whether to knock or to ring the bell, even retracing my steps and leaving crosses my racing mind.

I bring my hand up to press against the cool surface of the door, my heartbeat increases and I feel my body jolt into another time, another place, thinking back into the past.

I wrote to her at least once a week and through all the sealed envelopes sent I was granted with only one in return.

_Ashley,_

_This will be the first and last envelope you will receive from me, and I'm hoping you do the same. I'm writing this to ask you not to call me, don't write me letters or send me e-mails, don't come after me. I am free from all the pain now and I'm happy. My heart will always yearn for you Ash, but love isn't one sided and it isn't supposed to hurt this bad._

_Spencer_

My heart aches from the memory, a memory I wish to forget but will always remain there, haunting me. I never did try to contact her after that letter until now. I look at the door, my hand balled in a fist ready to knock. Maybe leaving wasn't such a bad idea; I look at the house once more and opt for the latter option, retracing my steps back to the taxi cab driver patiently awaiting my decision.

"I change my mind take me to the Crowne Plaza Hotel please" I voice softly. I can't do it, the pain is too much to bear, I'll give her another day of solitude and hope tomorrow works out in my favour.

I don't say a word on the way to the hotel; my eyes are focused outside the window watching the city pass me by. My thoughts are filled of what ifs. What if Spencer has a girlfriend, what if she doesn't want to see me, what if were really over, what if there's no going back, what if.

Suddenly I wished I accepted Kyla's offer to come with me, I know I have to do this alone, it's between me and Spencer, unfortunately I know no one in this city and some company would have been nice.

The hotel is a tall building with bright lit letters naming the place. It's so early that I don't know what to do with myself, I can't go to bed at this hour and even If I could I would be haunted with memories, with visions. One's that I cannot handle at my weak state.

I pay the taxi driver and get out of the car, seeing my breath appear before me in the cold night in white puffs, my arms wrapping around my self to keep me warm. The man goes to the back of the cab to open the trunk, politely helping me with my one suitcase.

I don't say a word as he hands it to me; I just nod and fake a smile. Smiles lately have been close to none, genuine ones at least. I go to the front table to retrieve my room number and key card, before taking the elevator three floors up to find my bedroom.

There is a single bed in the middle of the room, white curtains covering the view from the window. There is a television and a mini-fridge. The place isn't so bad or at least it wouldn't be if I wasn't so alone and isolated.

I grabbed a sweater from my suitcase after dropping it on the floor and pull it over my head; I can't stay in here and let the thoughts invade me so I opt to go for a walk around. The wind nips at my skin, the hot and humid temperature of the day transformed into a bitter cold at night, I cross my arms around my body instinctively.

The city lights remind me of Los Angeles, they light the pathway of this narrow sidewalk. It makes me feel so alone when I see groups of people or even couples, laughing and smiling together; so utterly happy when I feel so miserable.

I sigh deeply, another night of loneliness, another night I pay for the stupid mistakes I've made in the past and more importantly another night without her no matter how hard I pushed my self just to see her.

It was around three years ago when I made the biggest mistake possible, when I let her slip through my fingers, when I took her for granted and when my world came crumbling down. There was no competition, she would always outweigh him, but he was safe, he was familiar. She told me to decide, begged for me to choose, and I wanted to, I did, but nothing escaped my lips; the words of comfort were sealed inside. She gave up everything for me; people at school who sent us dirty looks, her mother worst of all who took so long for her to accept her own blood, but Spencer was strong and she pulled through because she wanted to be with me, because she loved me none the less. Yet there I was and I couldn't even do this one thing for her.

I turn down another street and spot sand and water at the end of the narrow road, it's a beach. It's probably not a good thing, me being so vulnerable and coming to find a beach. How ironic when one of my best memories of my relationship with Spencer was at a beach in Los Angeles, the first time she told me that she liked girls.

She left for Ohio not to long after prom day, said she needed to see her old friends, her relatives. She said she needed some kind of comfort, instead of the pain I've been inflicting on her. When she left it seemed so easy, almost convenient, so I continued spiralling down, continued making mistake after mistake, and of course I turned to him once again.

I walk down by the shore, watching the water lap at my feet, the moon is out early and it's reflected in the blue water that reminds me so much of her eyes. The moon gives the beach a soft glow; there are still quite a few people around despite it being well into the evening. I head for a pier that I see in the distance, enjoying the familiarity of it all because those were good days, happy days.

That day when she left me, I officially became his; I thought it was such a simple decision now that she was out of the picture. Of course I was wrong, like I've been so many times before, I couldn't get her off my mind, it wasn't as simple as I thought, as I hoped it would be. I dated him for a year, stuck inside the mediocre relationship when I could've been in the blissfulness of us, of her and I, had I not made the mistake I did. So after a year, when things weren't getting any better, when thoughts of her didn't fade from my mind, I broke up with him.

Instead of going underneath the pier where I knew memories would surely sting I ventured up on top of the wood surface and made my way to the end where I looked down over the railing, it was an amazing view. I sat down and dangled my feet over the edge, swinging them back and forth like a child; leaning back and propping myself up on my elbows, I exhaled a deep breath I didn't know I was holding.

Now I have neither him nor her, just like I deserve and I have no one but myself to thank for that, although he definitely didn't help. He pursued me even though he knew I was with her, and as much as I hate him for coming between us, I hate myself even more for letting him.

Almost instantly the tears threaten to escape and I know I can't hold myself together, It's all to much so I just let them cascade down and stain my cheeks, crying into my balled up hands. I sit there for what seems like an eternity, just letting it all out until I hear footsteps behind me.

I can hear them coming closer, increasing in noise. Finally, I slowly turn my head to see who it is and find a girl about my age looking back at me, she looks empathetic "Hey are you okay?" I just laugh bitterly "I'm sorry stupid question of course your not" she moves closer and sits down next to me. I finally get a good look at her, she's one of the girls I seen earlier on the beach with a group of friends; she has green eyes and curly brown hair that fall just below her shoulder.

I wiped my eyes quickly "I'm sorry for coming off rude" I reply, I'm sure practically inaudible; surprising even myself by talking to this stranger.

"Don't be, I've had those day. Do you want to talk about it?" There was a distant look in her eyes and I could swear her lips just curled into an almost-there frown. For a split second it looked like I should be the one comforting her, but then her eyes locked back on mine and she adorned a smile.

I got up and stood before I started pacing, walking back and fourth over the wooden planks and ran my fingers through my hair "It's complicated" I let out and sigh deeply.

She shrugged her shoulders "these things usually are, try me" something about her bubbly personality reminded me of Spencer. It wasn't just that though, this girl was trying to save me just like Spencer unknowingly did when we first met. I was miserable, people at King High were vicious, calling me names like dyke not to mention the fact that I recently lost a baby I was so intent on keeping and that was when Spencer came into my life and made me feel something again; she brought happiness back into my life.

"Come on let's go get a cup of coffee, it's late I need some caffeine in my system if I'm going to stay up any longer" she chuckled lightly, trying to lighten the mood.

I laughed, surprised to see that it wasn't forced like it usually is. "What about your friends?" I gestured toward a group of people in the distance; the pier had a great overall view of the beach and I could see the whole stretch of it, people here and there. The sky was darkening, the sun completely gone. The only thing to light our path now was the moon.

She shrugged "They'll live without me, besides you need me more" she started walking, thinking I would follow behind her. I stood there for a moment hesitating before I caught up with her and walked beside her. She jogged down to the beach and said goodbye to her friends, while I stayed back and waited for her, not feeling like being in a big crowd.

When she came back she guided me toward her car and started the engine before pulling out of the lot, we drove away from the beach and I immediately felt relieved. We stopped at a small building with a sign that read Arabica Coffee House "Best coffee house in Cleveland" She grinned. We stepped into the small building simultaneously, the building inside looked warm and cozy, light illuminating throughout the place.

I noticed a small unoccupied stage at the back first that I assumed was used for live music on special nights, in one corner there were a couple of couches where people were reading the newspaper or a novel. Soft music was heard all through the coffee house and we made our way to the counter. "What's good here?" I asked my new acquaintance and she smiled at me before turning to the girl behind the counter.

"Two French vanilla cappuccino's" She told the girl and got out her wallet "I'll get this one" I gave her a small smile because I figured she'd deserve as much. I carried the warm cup in one hand and followed her to a private booth in a corner opposite of the stage. "Thanks…"

"Sarah" She said with yet another smile.

I nodded embarrassingly and took a sip from my cup, figuring everything would become awkward as soon as we sat down. She was a stranger after all.

She put down her drink after a long pull and sighed contently "So why were you crying back there?"

I immediately felt uncomfortably, her eyes were searching mine intently but I shrugged it off "It's a long story" I explained.

"These things usually are" She smiled faintly "I recently got dumped by a guy I've been with for over a year". Everything fell into place then, the sad look she gave me back at the beach, but it was comforting knowing I wasn't alone. I guess it put me a little at ease but I was confused.

"Why do you seem so happy then?" I asked with a quirked eyebrow, taking another small drink from my mug.

She shrugged "I was quite the opposite at first, see my friend Lexi found me crying when she came over to my house. I told her what happened and she comforted me, she gave me hope and helped me get through" she started "Of course it's not that simple and It gets me down every once in a while but I think that what's meant to be will always find a way".

I smiled at the similarities, a real genuine smile and it shocked even me. "By the way my name's Ashley".

"Nice to meet you" She grinned. Although the girl was a great distraction from my own thoughts, Spencer was always there in the back of my head. "So tell me about it".

I fingered my mug nervously, averting my eyes, looking anywhere but at her. Finally I spoke "There's this girl I dated long term, things got complicated and well when things get too complicated Ashley Davies is known for backing down"

She nodded, listened to every word that fell from my lips "So you're a lesbian?" She questioned me, quirking her eyebrow.

I fidgeted, she didn't say it in a mean way, but I still felt nervous, considering everything I went through during high school "That doesn't bother you does it?"

She laughed "of course not, I've got a couple of friends myself who swing that way. No biggy" I breathed a sigh of relief before she continued "so tell me about this girl".

I shook my head, where to even begin "Well she's beautiful you know and not just outer beauty which she definitely has but an amazing inner beauty as well, she has blue eyes that I get lost in sometimes, I mean so incredibly blue that they put shame to the ocean's brilliant colour, when she smiles it's like nothing else matters and the world around you just fades away"

"What happened between the two of you?" She seemed interested, she actually listened to what I was saying and it made me feel better even if it was just the slightest.

I shook my head "You pretty much already know from personal experience but if you must know, I made a huge mistake and lost the love of my life" I had to chuckle at how pathetic it all was "I'm not even from around here, I came down to see if I could rekindle our relationship".

She took a sip from her cup before looking back at me "And how is that working out?"

"Not well, I chickened out when I got to her house" I drank the last bit of my cappuccino and set it aside.

She frowned "you'll never know what could be unless you give it a shot" I nodded and watched her take the last drink from her mug as well. "Listen" she said digging into her purse "If you ever find yourself on a night like tonight since you don't know anybody in the city, here's my number" She smiled and scribbled the number on my inner palm "Or you know if you just want to hang out".

She drove us back to the beach, silence consuming the car ride back. I walked the rest of the way to the hotel. I was slightly more content then when I left, but as soon as she was gone I felt lonesome again and the thoughts were back with full force.

I never bought a return ticket back to Los Angeles; there was no going back now. I have to do this, I have to confront Spencer; I have to see if there is still a spark between us. I don't know what I'll do if there isn't, but I have to at least try.


End file.
